It seems like yesterday I was writing the post ‘I Accidentally Quit Smoking’. This year has gone by so fast. A lot had gone on this year and I’ve gained more reasons to stay smoke-free, like my Crohn’s diagnosis. But it doesn’t mean it has been easy.
As I talked about last time, I was often a social and emotional smoker. That has still been my struggle, having a few drinks and being around other smokers has been really difficult, thankfully there have been a few people who vape and have lent me their e-cig or vape pen to help resist my urge to smoke a cigarette.
I’ve been struggling with a lot of intense emotions lately. A lot has being going on for me personally, I’ve been shut away quite a lot, and been feeling a mixture of depressed and blind rage and these have been triggers for my smoking addiction. I waited it out, the feeling did pass, but it’s annoying that my addiction isn’t simply wrapped in literal addiction to nicotine.
Having BPD, I know I will continue to struggle with intense emotions and it has been rough not being able to lean on smoking to soothe myself. I try to remember, this is not good for me, this will make my Crohn’s worse, you want Crohn’s to get better and be stable… because my Crohn’s has somewhat destroyed my life. My only hope right now is for it to become controlled and I know smoking is a large factor in Crohn’s getting worse and making it more likely to need surgery. Do not make it worse, I think. It’s not worth it.
Something that has helped me is seeing people I follow (on Youtube or celebrities) talking about this struggle too and how well they are doing now and how long they’ve been smoke or nicotine free. Seeing someone else succeeding at it helps you feel like you can too.
So yes, I’m struggling a lot more now, almost a year later, than I was when I first started. But I’m still going. I have goals that smoking would get in the way of. I also really don’t miss smelling like stale cigarettes.
This isn’t exciting or particularly uplifting because I don’t feel very uplifted right now, but I wanted to give an update and a reminder to others who are also quitting that we are all struggling and to fight the urge as much as you can.